Goodbye is the hardest word
by Becki1
Summary: yep another RLHG fic, but give it a chance a lot will happen and alot will be explained, its sad to, so just a warning it doesn't start on a good foot. OotP friendly
1. Default Chapter

bGoodbye is the hardest word/b  
  
A/N I know I have so many other projects at the moment, I knew Harry potter, love knows no bounds, and the ficfest, and I'm not going to neglect them to write this, but I couldn't put it down when this little sad story came into my head fully formed one morning when a woke up. Ok yes its another RL/HG thing, but it's a bit sad and not really tackled in the ordinary way. Erm yeah, in case you're really stupid or I'm really bad, this is all from Hermione's point of view. So give it a chance and see what happens. Over and out.  
  
Ooh no wait, I don't own any of this :: points down :: if I did own Remus Lupin, I wouldn't tell you about it, he'd be miiiiine all mine, cough cough anyway srry bout that, but he's not mine and JKR will refuse to give him to me, so on with the plot. Oh yeah and the poem in the first chapter is not mine either its my fav poem fondly known as 'untitled by unknown' but its not mine.  
  
bChapter 1/b (A/N I know not inventive at the moment.)  
  
Hermione sat on a bench her eyes glassy and threatening tears. But they didn't come, she stared out over the graveyard, her heart skipping a beat as her eyes fell on the freshly closed grave just yards from her feet. She turned the wedding ring on her finger, and smiled slightly to herself, it was a pained smile, but one that showed fond memories.  
  
A couple of brightly coloured autumn leaves swirled down in front of her, settling themselves on the grave. One single tear trickled down her cheek, at the sight of the world reclaiming his body already.  
  
Casting her eyes around, they fell on the gravestone, already erected at the head of his grave, they get things done so quickly in the wizarding world, it hardly felt like she had time to say goodbye. 'That's ridiculous' she thought to herself, 'I didn't say goodbye.' She shut her eyes willing the tears to subside. When she opened them again, the words were no longer blurred, but she didn't need to read them, they were burned to the back of her eyelids, a sight she never even considered she'd have to see.  
  
iRemus J. Lupin Much loved and sadly missed/i  
  
The stone then continued on with a poem, her eyes filled up again as she heard the words in her mind as if he were reading them to her.  
  
iThey say memories are golden  
  
well maybe that is true.  
  
I never wanted memories,  
  
I only wanted you.  
  
A million times I needed you,  
  
a million times I cried.  
  
If love alone could have saved you  
  
you never would have died.  
  
In life I loved you dearly,  
  
In death I love you still.  
  
In my heart you hold a place  
  
no one could ever fill.  
  
If tears could build a stairway  
  
and heartache make a lane,  
  
I'd walk the path to heaven  
  
and bring you back again.  
  
Our family chain is broken,  
  
and nothing seems the same.  
  
But as God calls us one by one,  
  
the chain will link again./i  
  
She sighed, it had been one of his favourite poems, it seemed right that it should appear on his grave. But if only it was true, for she hadn't cried, not really, not proper tears. It had only been a week, the house had seemed strangely empty fair enough, but it hadn't sunk in. Even now sitting at his grave. It still seemed like a distant dream, a cruel nightmare and any moment now she'd awake in his arms.  
  
He hadn't even said where he was going that night, he wasn't supposed to be there, if only he hadn't gone, he'd be here now able to comfort the loss of a friend, but yet she was alone, no one had stayed. They obviously believed she wanted to be alone. But did she, she didn't know.  
  
"Hermione." a quiet voice sounded, it was Harry, but did I really want to see him now, or ever. What was is saying he was a friend I needed a friend, I could have done with my husband more though. She allowed Harry to pull her into a strong hug. The ever continuing battle against Voldemort had really strengthen Harry, even if they had only been out of Hogwarts since that June Harry had been playing a vital role in the battle. So had Remus. His voice sounded again the words seem to cut like a dagger, "Hermione, I. I didn't." I silence him with a finger on his lips.  
  
"Don't" I reply, "I don't want to..don't need to hear it." I give him a smile, it's the best I can manage, I know he can see straight through it, but then again who couldn't. Standing he leads me back into Hogsmeade, and a very empty house.  
  
#~#~#a few days later#~#~#  
  
"Are you alright, well what I mean is are you copping." This kindly voice of an aging headmaster runs through my head, he seems slightly daunting minus his familiar twinkle.  
  
"I'm fine professor, getting by."  
  
He sighs, of course he can tell I am lying, "Hermione, don't be afraid to ask for help, I know you haven't got to knuts to rub together, and as of Monday, no where to live."  
  
Stammering, how would he know that, "Professor, I'll get.." But he cut me off.  
  
"No you won't, and don't call me professor, I haven't taught you for four months, Albus please, now come and live at Hogwarts, I feel bound to assist you anyway I can."  
  
I shook my head, wondering, "I couldn't free load like that,"  
  
"I not asking you to, Miss Granger, I know you are considering an advanced potions course, but let me tell you now, you do not need it, and I, yes I am desperately in need of a new potions master, or mistress." He added, she didn't stop to think about what had happened to Snape. "and with Voldemort gone, the school will be reopening within a week, and we can't have those poor kids lacking a potions professor."  
  
Hermione almost smiled, a chance she'd have loved to have, but unfortunately there was no one to share it with, the smile faded quickly. "I'll go pack then shall i.."  
  
#~#~#  
  
A/N ok that was the first chapter, it's shorter than the others and really just setting the scene, there may be one or two more before I get into the serious flash back, so don't worry we're going to find out exactly how these two got together and how he died, probably the later first I think, but I may change that, let me know what you think, please review. 


	2. chapter 2

Goodbye is the hardest word  
  
A/N Ok so I was gonna leave it a while before I did the second chapter but this story just wouldn't leave me alone, so here it is. we now learn a little more and receive the first flash back after this it is mainly gonna be that, that runs through the story. As with the first chap I don't own any of it, much to my dislike. Oh and this takes place the day after the first chap. Hermione's moved into Hogwarts.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Hermione was aimlessly wandering around the corridors of Hogwarts taking in little of where she was or where she was going. The halls seemed so much emptier with the students gone. It was late October and usually the place would be full of busy students excitedly awaiting the Halloween festivities. They had all been shipped home due to the increase (and now recent downfall) of Voldemort's power, Hermione believed that the school would seem a much more welcoming place once they were all back.  
  
Looking up she found that her feet had automatically stopped outside the defence against the dark arts office, the door was open so she took the liberty to step inside. The office seemed empty and bare without the usual smiling face of Remus Lupin, who had indeed inhabited it for the past year. The desk and floor were both cluttered with boxes.  
  
Upon closer inspection the boxes proved to be full of Lupin's personal belongings. A photograph of their wedding day rested on top of the nearest one. Hermione reached out with a trembling hand and pick it up. The smiling couple in the picture waved merrily at her. Both so happy, the rest of their lives together ahead of them, how little did they know that it numbered just six months. She clutched the picture close but before a single tear could leak from her eye, a voice from behind her crossed the silent room.  
  
"Miss Granger?" Hermione spun around to see Severus Snape standing in the doorway, "Hermione.." he said slightly more softly, "I. I was going to have these things sent through to you." She just nodded silently. She knew he had been there, he'd seen Remus die, even if he had been the one to cast the curse of Voldemort. "Are you alright, if.. if you need to talk. you can always find me here."  
  
Hermione's mind froze, 'here, but this is Remus' office, no stupid girl what did you expect, you knew he was no longer teaching potions, or you wouldn't be able to take the job. But defence against the dark arts?' Her mind questioned.  
  
Sighing she forced an answer "thank-you, I may have to take you up on that." She gave another of those fake smiles, and made to leave the room passing him in the door way, "she stopped briefly and looked down at the photo she was still gripping tightly, "but right now I believe I need to pay my parents a visit." Once out the door she turned and said "Oh and by the way, it's Lupin." Then continued down the corridor leaving one Severus Snape to grimace at his mistake.  
  
#~#~#A short while later at the Granger Residence#~#~#  
  
"Hermione! err, what a surprise, I didn't expect to see you... so soon."  
  
"Mum" was the only reply, a tear trickled slowly down her cheek as she clutched her wedding photo to her chest. Her mum opened the door wider and motioned for her to come in, leading her only daughter through to the living room; she seated herself on the sofa and gently pulled Hermione down too.  
  
"What's happened love? Is it. him? Has he hurt you?"  
  
Hermione looked at her wide eyes and shaking her head furiously, "No, never." stopping as she realised what she was about to say. Hermione looked up at her mum expecting her to say something, but instead she just sat there patiently awaiting Hermione to continue, when she didn't her mother spoke.  
  
"Hermione. why are you here?"  
  
Hermione looked down, "I. I'd like to say I've come to apologise, but I haven't, and never could. I guess I just wanted to see a friendly face. Her mother seemed to have taken in the ring on her finger for the first time since she arrived and mentioned this before Hermione could say anything else.  
  
"You married him?" it wasn't an accusation, hardly a question really, more of a statement for she already knew the answer.  
  
"I loved him mum, and I always will, I'm just sorry that you couldn't see that. and he never will, mum, that's why I'm here, not to rub it in, or seek your approval, that never worked. It's just, he. he's dead." Whatever her mother had been expecting it wasn't that. Hermione seemed shocked at her own words, it wasn't as if she was saying them, they just came out. But her mind went numb and all thoughts stopped as her mum pulled her into an embracing hug. "Mum?" she got a quiet 'mmm' in reply, "I want you to have this!" she said it simply, not letting her mum know where it had come from or how much it meant, but she silently passed the photograph to her mother.  
  
"Ohhh, Hermione," she said as she took in the smiling couple on the page, "I'm sorry", those two words meant more to Hermione than she could ever express, it was a dream come true to hear her mother mutter them softy into her ear, it gave her a small amount of warmth back into her ever so cold life.  
  
#~#~#That evening, back at Hogwarts#~#~#  
  
Hermione was on her way to her new chambers but seemed to find herself in the defence against the dark arts corridor again, standing numbly in front of the office, peering in she saw that the boxes had been moved and sat at the stark desk scribbling away on a bit of parchment was Severus Snape.  
  
Hermione watched him for a short while before knocking on the open door, "Erm professor."  
  
He looked up sharply, "Hermione. Come in" she entered the now barren and empty office, it was warm, a fire blazing in the hearth, but yet felt cold at the same time, with none of the familiar trinkets that she were so used to seeing. She was brought back to earth by his voice again, "I think., you may call me Severus now." He said rather tentatively, "after all, we are colleagues." She nodded.  
  
"Well, I was wondering, Severus," the use of his first name felt strange on her tongue, "if it was alright with you," Her eyes were becoming glassy, 'no I mustn't cry, not now, not in front of him.' "if we could have that talk.." He had stood up and moved round the front of the desk, he gave her a nod and motioned to two old chairs by the fire. Once they were seated she continued, "I just wanted to know what happened."  
  
"Are you sure?" For the first time in her life she heard concern in his voice, but the lump in her throat prevented her from talking, she just nodded, "Ok then, well some how the Dark Lord had heard that Harry Potter was to be on patrol that night, and thought that it would be a wonderful signal to the rest of the world if he started his regime with a bang, by killing the boy-who-lived." Hermione sat in rapt attention, making sure she didn't miss the tiniest detail. "He decided to take myself and Lucious with him, but insisted upon doing the deed himself, which was fortunate because he rarely goes anywhere without a large death eater following." Snape paused in thought,  
  
"Obviously, when we arrived, Potter wasn't there, instead Lupin stood there. He was shocked when we appeared in front of him; he certainly wasn't expecting a visit from the Dark Lord himself. Well, once You-know-Who was there, he wasn't going to let it go and have other people thinking he'd lost his bottle. Lupin seemed to cotton on to what was happening, and just looked at me. I felt awful, I didn't know what to do, if I blew my cover as a spy, we would both have died."  
  
Hermione was watching the flames flicker in the fireplace, not showing any emotion on her stony face. "It all happened so fast, I'm sure he didn't suffer, he." Snape was trying to hide the obvious lump beginning to set up home in his throat. "he asked me to look after you. I suppose that's when I realised what was wrong. It shouldn't be him there, it should have been me. He had you, you needed him, I don't have anyone, and I don't think anyone would miss me."  
  
"I just shot the curse straight at him, didn't even think about it, but I was just that little bit too late, I could hear him shouting out, but it was quick, they both lay there, dead." He stopped talking Hermione had taken her eyes off the fire and was looking at him, unblinkingly.  
  
"You used the killing curse?" the statement was blank and without emotion, but it didn't need to be.  
  
It was now Severus' turn to hang his head and stare at the flames, "Hermione, it. it was on the Dark Lord, and. and. well I was a death eater.." he paused, "I've used it before Hermione.." he didn't say any more and just looked ashamed.  
  
She was suddenly overcome with a wave of emotion for this man, she was seeing him in a light that she had never seen before, "It.. it's okay, don't worry about it."  
  
He looked up at her and smiled weekly, "Well, now I've told, don't you think it's about time you enlightened me on how the two of you got together in the first place."  
  
Hermione looked away again, she wasn't sure if she was ready to share this particular tale, but it did seem only fair, so she took a deep breath.  
  
#~#~#Hermione's Story#~#~#  
  
Well it is a long story, I mean a girl like me doesn't just fall in love with her professor over night. In fact I would have said that it was impossible, but I was wrong. You never can tell when the right person comes along, and you've just got to go with it.  
  
I suppose if I had to put a date on it, I'd say the summer after my fifth year..  
  
It was very subdued with the death of Sirius, and well as you know we were locked out of the order headquarters, so well, the three of us, Harry, Ron and me were staying at the burrow, it was near the end of the holidays and we'd only just been there a few days, when the Weasley's received an owl, inviting us to go stay at Remus' as a temporary headquarters until we could get back into the black house.  
  
His house was rather small, it had three bedrooms upstairs, an attic room where the boys (Harry, Ron, George and Fred) slept, then downstairs a kitchen, living room and bathroom. It was a quiet cottage about 20 minutes walk from Hogsmeade.  
  
The living area was fairly large, I get the impression it may have been magically increased, for we could fit all of us in comfortably and even more when Christmas came round.  
  
The mantle over the fire, was covered with scattered photographs of the marauders, and many of Sirius.  
  
It was only our second day with Remus and Molly wanted to send us shopping for supplies, apparently he didn't have any decent food in. The boys were too busy exploring Hogsmeade to be interested in taking a trip to the local muggle supermarket, so I offered my services.  
  
Well, I've never had a more fun trip to collect basic supplies, I mean he insisted upon pushing the trolley, he was just like a big kid. It was the first time I'd seen him smile since Sirius' death. It was good to see, and for the first time in my life I had noticed his eyes, sweet honey coloured with flecks of mahogany. I remember thinking that he was kind of good looking.  
  
He had that roughish grin, those kind, yet wild eyes, and his hair that just sort of flopped over his face, and then the way he always would run his hand through it, so it always ended up stood on end.  
  
I couldn't believe it myself, I had a crush on Remus, I mean of all people, Remus.  
  
It was a few days later, I was laid up in my room staring at the ceiling, Ginny was long asleep, I don't know why I just couldn't get to sleep. I decided to sneak downstairs and get a glass of water, there was no point in just continuing to lay there.  
  
I had just finished filling my glass, the kitchen was dark, I liked it that way, the light seemed to just make things stark. I sat on the counter, my legs dangling about a foot of the ground. I didn't even notice when a figure filled the doorway, that is, at least not until they said my name.  
  
"Hermione? What are you doing up at this time?"  
  
I almost jumped a mile, I instantly recognised the soft, sexy, yes I thought his voice was sexy, now when on earth did I notice that, voice of Remus Lupin. I smiled gently and just lifted the glass in my hand, "Couldn't sleep."  
  
He came in and flicked the switch on the wall, the kitchen was bathed in a gentle soft orange light. "Snap," he said quietly as he lifted the glass in his hand, huh, I thought that's not water, that's 'whiskey' I concluded as he drew nearer and I could smell it even at this distance.  
  
He heaved himself up on the counter beside me, I could feel my stomach doing summersaults. I defiantly had a crush on him; there was no maybe about it. We spent the rest of the night just talking, until we heard voices emerging upstairs and the distinct creaks of floorboards that signalled the awakening of the boys.  
  
Unfortunately I didn't get to stay long, and in no time at all we were back on the Hogwarts Express and heading back to school.  
  
#~#~#~#  
  
She was interrupted by the fire in the hearth flickering and dying. Snape yawned as he reached over for the wand at the edge of his desk.  
  
"No, don't worry Severus, I really should be getting to bed." She smiled gently at him, he just nodded and showed her out, "I'll see you in the morning then,"  
  
Back at her own rooms she sighed at the stack of boxes that greeted her, they could wait till the morning, she thought, as she gently pulled out a soft fluffy wolf from one of them, smiling to herself, she got ready for bed, accompanied by the wolfie.  
  
A/N  
  
Ok there we go, getting into the plot a bit now, thanks all for reading. Please review, it won't take a moment, thankies. 


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